When Holidays Are Not So Jolly
Beautifully decorated Christmas trees, Christmas shopping, cooking, eating with family and friends, driving around looking at Christmas lights, Christmas cookies, children’s choirs. All of these things sound so warm, happy and exciting, don’t they? Or do they? For some, just the mere thought of the holidays brings on a sense of dread, or at best, hesitancy. There are countless reasons for these feelings such as grief, loneliness, depression, divorce, financial stress, family conflict, illness, and painful memories of childhood Christmases. It seems that so many people who have lost loved ones in recent days, and so many people are grieving. I believe this will be a good place to start.
The empty seat at the dinner table. Dishes that only she cooked. The turkey he smoked in the smoker. Decorations that you put up together. Years of traditions. Perhaps, you’ve gone through a divorce or a major life change. All of these things can lead to grief. It is important to recognize and acknowledge it for what it is. There does not have to be a physical death for there to be grief. Loss is loss. There is no timeline for grief. Whether the loss is within the last month or if it was years ago, grief is real. It means you loved. 1 Corinthians 13:13 states “Now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” By acknowledging our grief, we acknowledge our love. It is unrealistic to expect yourself to feel happy and joyful throughout the holiday season when you are mourning a loss. This Christmas may not be like Christmases in the past, and it may not look like ones in the future. It is ok. With grief, sometimes the whole point is just to get through today. There is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you are not harming yourself or others.
If putting up a tree and decorations just seems to be too much, then skip it this year. It is ok to skip those things that just seem to be overwhelming or that cause you pain. If you have children who are counting on a tree and decorations, consider asking friends to come help put up the decorations. If going to all of the parties, choir performances and special events is too overwhelming, just choose those that mean the most to you. Some people even choose to go on vacation during Christmas or have a nontraditional meal and use paper plates instead of the good china (you might find that you really like the idea of using paper goods in the future instead of having to wash all of those dishes!) Consider online shopping, gift cards or even just a heart-felt, handwritten letter to each family member. Whatever you choose to do, it is important to remember that no one has to understand or approve of how you choose to do Christmas this year. Do what works for you and do only those things that are meaningful to you.
Make sure that you rely on loved ones who care about you. Do not make the mistake of trying to hold it all in and pretending all is well. Proverbs 17:17 emphasizes that friends are given to us not only for the good times but also for difficult times: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time.” You will find the load you carry is easier to bear when shared with those who care about you. If you feel uncomfortable talking with someone who is close to you, you might talk to a minister or a licensed professional counselor or marriage and family therapist. You might also consider journaling to get your thoughts out of your head and onto paper. No one has to read it. It is just for you.
Remember to take good care of yourself physically, as well. Eat well and eat those rich foods only in moderation. Go light on the sweets! Drink plenty of water to stay well hydrated. Minimize or avoid alcohol consumption. Alcohol is a depressant which can make feelings of depression worse. If you find yourself wanting to drink alcohol to deal with your grief, get help by talking to someone. Get some exercise by going for a walk. Keep your regular schedule as much as possible by getting up and going to bed each day about the same time as usual. Rest when you feel tired. Grief is exhausting and lack of sleep leads to further exhaustion which makes it even more difficult to cope.
Lastly, take good care of your spiritual health. Sometimes going to church during the holidays can be painful when you are grieving. You might consider going to more casual evening services instead of the morning service or attending small group meetings such as Sunday School or life group meetings. Consider using a daily devotional that is geared toward those who are grieving. Stay in the Word – Psalms is a wonderful place to begin. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit.” He cares for you! He wants to comfort you if you will only let Him. Above all else, pray! Pray for strength and comfort, but also pray for others. Thank Him for each of your blessings. Even in the midst of difficult times, we have so much to be thankful for. Often times, being grateful can turn our thoughts from our own pain and onto the One who is our Comforter.
Remember that the holidays will come and go, and you will survive them one day at a time. You will always feel a sense of loss because you loved, but the grief will not always feel so overwhelming. Please remember that you are loved and are being prayed for!
*If your feelings of depression become intense and you feel that you may harm yourself, please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room for help. Holidays are difficult for many people, and help is available!”