In Her Sandals – Homeless, Destitute, on Death's Door

Homeless. Forced from the only home my son has ever known. It may have been a toxic situation for me, but I would have endured anything for him. My son had what he needed and wanted, but now, we are forced to leave. All because of her.

With only the clothes on our back, a little food and some water, we were told to leave. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming, but I didn’t want to believe my son’s father would turn us away.

No transportation. No housing. No job. No money.

We begin walking all the while I’m trying to come up with a plan. Wondering where we should go.

We can’t go back to my parents’ home. They won’t have us.

All I’ve ever done is servant type work, but no other job skills to keep us afloat. Plus, who would take me on knowing I have a son?

He asks me where we are going, what we are going to do. I have no answers.

We sleep outdoors and try to make the food and water last as long as possible, but it eventually runs out. I still have no plan.

I wonder if she ever even thought about what would happen to my son when she had her husband kick us out. I’m not exactly the “other” woman. She wanted her husband to sleep with me, so he would have an heir. She got exactly what she asked for. I gave birth to a son, his first born son. She resented me as much as I resented her, and the competition only escalated when she gave birth to a son at the age of 90.

I ration the food and water and often give my portion to my son. He’s getting weaker and weaker with each passing day as we wander aimlessly in the wilderness. Hopelessness and despair are my constant companions. The burden is overwhelming, and it’s not getting any better.

My son is wasting away. His lips chapped, and skin is blistering. His eyes are sunken. When he cries, there are no tears. I’m watching my son die a slow and painful death, and in the process, he’s asking questions. “Why did dad do this?” “Doesn’t he love us?” He would say things like, “I’ll do better. I promise.” “I won’t pick on Isaac any more. Can we just go back?”

I try to explain to him in terms he would understand – “This is not your fault,” “your daddy loves you,” and “We can’t go back ever again.” He cries again in my arms, and my heart breaks again as I rock him. My tears won’t come either.

I go from anger to rage then denial. My emotions have hit rock bottom in depression, but this is as low as I have ever been. I’ve just laid Ishmael in some shade. I know he’s going to die. I can’t take it. He’s begging me for water, for food, and I have nothing. I can’t even feed my own baby! What kind of mother can’t provide for her own son? What kind of mother am I?

I walk off. I can still see where I laid him, but I can’t watch him take his last breath. I’m sobbing uncontrollably, the ugly, snot-running, heaving kind of weeping that comes from carrying a burden alone for too long. I am just a shell. There’s nothing left in me to give. No mother should ever have to watch her child suffer like this and die.

Just when I think I can’t take one more minute of this life, Yahweh sends an angel to speak to me. Why did He wait until now to move, to speak? I can’t do this.

“What’s wrong, Hagar?” That’s the angel’s first words to me. “What’s wrong!?” – He asks. If I had the strength to be sarcastic my response would have been much different, but in my current state I had nothing.

He said, “Don’t be afraid for God has heard the voice of the boy.” He heard my son’s voice. What had my son said? I guess it doesn’t really matter. What matters is help is now here.

The angel tells me to get up, to help Ishmael up and to support him. He reminds me Ishmael is going to be a great nation. I knew Yahweh had promised a great nation, but honestly, I had given up hope.

As I’m raising Ishmael up, that’s when I saw it. It had been there all along I guess, and I never saw it. God had opened my eyes, and there was a well of water. (Genesis 21:19 – Then God opened her eyes, and she saw the well of water.)

As moms, we would move heaven and earth for our kids, but when things are out of our control and there’s nothing we can do to “fix” what is wrong, it can be one of the most helpless feelings.

Had you ever slipped on Hagar’s sandals? Had you ever thought of this story from her perspective?

God allowed Hagar to get to the end of herself before opening her eyes to what was in front of her. Sometimes we have to be driven to the pit of despair before we look to God for the answer. At no time in Scripture do we see Hagar crying out to Yahweh during the wandering. Was she relying only on herself?

God kept His promise regarding Ishmael. The Islamic nation comes from Ishmael. It is a mighty nation.

You can read Hagar’s story in Genesis 16 and 21. In Her Sandals is not my attempt to add to Scripture. I research, and then I wonder what she may have heard, thought, smelled, tasted, and sensed.

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Sands and Stars Promises

Abram How patient are you? Maybe a better question is, How IMPATIENT are you when waiting on God?

Do you have a need to be in control? For example, a child is going to help you fold the laundry and they don’t quite fold the towels the way you like corner to corner, folding half and half. Do you fix it or leave it be? When you are riding as a passenger in a car, are you the one telling the driver to slow down, turn here, take this route because it’s quicker? Yea, me neither.

Do you ever find yourself “helping” God to get a job done? Yeah, me neither.

God had made a “Sands and Stars” promise to Abram. Your offspring will be more than the dust on the earth (Genesis 13:14) and more numerous than the stars in the sky (Genesis 15:5). For the record, God has named and knows all of the stars’ names (Psalms 147:4). We know by reading Abram’s story in Genesis 13 – 20 Abram is not a spry young man, and Sarai is beyond the normal age of having children.

So how is God going to keep His promise?

Well, by Sarai fixing the problem, of course. She’s going to go into her problem-fixing mode, like many of us do, and she’s going to fix this problem. In Genesis 16:2, SARAI decides to deliver God’s promise through Hagar, her slave. Sarai said, “I can build a family.” WOW! She must be pretty powerful if she can cause cells to divide, multiply and produce a baby.

Nothing good comes from situations where we try to “handle” or “fix” things without God.

Just because we can’t see how in the world God is going to possibly fix the problem does not mean that He can’t or He won’t.

 Our inability to see a viable resolution does not mean God doesn’t hold the answer.

Our limited view and hampered vision does not mean God’s is limited by our imperfections, frailties or faults.

As a result of Sarai “fixing” the problem and “making” God’s promise come true (which she really didn’t), she has a slave who is contemptuous, who runs away, and who makes Sarai feel even worse about her infertility. Then there is the resulting birth of Abram’s first born son Ishmael who fathered the Islamic nation.

When we try to control or fix things without God’s leadership, it not only affects our lives, but the lives of our spouse, children, those around us, and future generations. How does your lack of patience, faith and trust in God affect your life and future?

We know God does keep His “Sands and Stars” vow to Abram through Isaac and without Sarai’s help, but they had to wait on God’s timing some 25 years later.

Doing what God leads us to do is not the same thing as “fixing” anything. That is called obedience, and it is God through us working things out. When we fix things ourselves instead of waiting on God, that is called disobedience, lack of faith, lack of maturity, lack of patience.  It’s not a good place to be.

If God has made a Sands and Stars promise, a life changing promise to you, then you can rest assured He will deliver. He NEVER FAILS.

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Would You Share Your Husband Just to Become a Mom

I am reading Genesis 13 – 20. It’s the story of God, Abram, Sarai and Hagar.

As I’m reading through this story, I have questions. I’m curious. Because as an infertile woman, I’ve known the desperation, heart ache, and need to get pregnant and have a baby, I’ve wondered how Sarai could give her servant to her husband. This step in becoming pregnant takes things to another level.

So here are a few questions:

1.       Abram was around 75 years old when God called Abram and promised to make him into a great nation (Genesis 12). How soon did Abram and Sarai think this promise would be fulfilled?

2.       In today’s age, women take their temperature and even use ovulating kits to determine when they are the most fertile. Did Sarai use what was popular in their time like mandrakes once she heard the promise from God?

3.       Sarai did not take documented steps in controlling her family’s future until God had made a “Sands and Stars” (Genesis 13:14, 15:5) promise to Abram. My questions are: Had Sarai come to grips with her infertility until she heard about this promise from God? Had she accepted the fact she and Abram would not have children? This is a huge step to get to in a woman’s life. The custom of giving a servant to a husband to bear a child was nothing new to Sarai or her generation, but she hadn’t selected to use this option. As an infertile woman, we went through so many options, but there were some we were not willing to consider. Why did Sarai change her mind to consider Hagar as a valid option?

4.       God prevented Sarai from getting pregnant, but He allowed Hagar to become pregnant. Why? What was the point?

5.       Did Sarai resent her slave whom she gave as a wife to her own husband? I can’t imagine enjoying sharing my husband with anyone.

6.       Sarai had to have insecurities about not producing an heir for Abram. How were the escalated when Hagar became pregnant so easily?

7.       How could Sarai think that giving her husband another woman to sleep with was a good idea?

8.       I wonder what the full conversation was like between Abram and Sarai when she blamed Abram for the mess she found herself in.

9.       When we read Abram gives Hagar back to Sarai, we see a side of Sarai that is very unbecoming. What was Sarai’s desired outcome for mistreating Hagar? What did she hope to attain? Did she feel better about things once she paid Hagar back?

10.   Then there’s Hagar. The rise from servant to wife was a brief rise to power. She didn’t seem to exercise her position too well. What did she think was going to happen when the number 1 wife told Abram what Hagar had been doing?

11.   How humiliating it must have been for Hagar to go from slave to wife then be demoted again to slave. What was the final thing that happened or was said which convinced Hagar to run away?

12.   When the Angel of the Lord appeared to Hagar who was on the run, his message to her was to return to the mistreatment. This would be another blow for Hagar, but where else could she have gone?

13.   The God named Hagar’s son, and the angel gave a prophesy and promise regarding Ishmael. How did she take hearing her son would be like a wild donkey, his hand would be against everyone, and everyone would be against him (16:12)? Did she wonder what it meant? Did she worry about her son’s future? Did she receive notices from school saying her son had been in another fight? When did she first see this prophesy coming to life?

14.   Hagar is the only one in the Bible I’ve found who has given God a name. She named Him, “The God Who Sees.”

15.   Did Sarah give up on God keeping His promise or at least wonder if He was going to keep it? Abram left out for Promised Land at 75. He was 100 when Isaac was born. Every day, every week, every month, every year getting older and older.

16.   Then there’s chapter 20. Sarah was around 90 years old, and King Abimilech found her beautiful and took her for his wife because Abraham told her to claim him as her brother. She was 90 and still beautiful and desirable. What kind of night cream did she use!? LOL

My mind can wonder into some weird questions, but the point of all this is to ask questions. By being inquisitive, God reveals Himself to us through His Word. It also makes me hunger for the Word even more.

What other questions did you have when you read these chapters?

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